How to Talk to Elderly Parents About Assisted Living

Many people start by thinking of what they’ll say to their parent, or they anticipate the desired outcome of the conversation. But how you have this conversation is just as important as what you say. Don’t overwhelm your parent by bringing everyone in the family together for an initial conversation — instead, aim for a comfortable environment, and be prepared to listen.

“My biggest suggestion is to approach the conversation gently. This is a drastic change to a person’s life, so don’t discount their feelings,” says Dr. Erin Martinez, gerontologist, associate professor, and Interim Director of the Center on Aging at Kansas State University. “Be sure to listen to their thoughts, concerns, and emotions. It might even help to put yourself in their shoes — how would you like someone to have the conversation with you?”

Martinez also advises family members to listen to how their parent feels and consider why you think assisted living is the best choice.

“Sometimes circumstances present no other option than seeking support from a long-term care facility, but talking about other options first can be beneficial,” says Martinez.

Just as you’re asking your parent to consider assisted living, be prepared to consider what they want, too. Keep in mind that they’re the ones who would be making the change, and it’s likely an overwhelming time for them.

family disputes. Discussing assisted living with your parent will be much smoother if all the family members are in agreement.

Explaining the benefits of assisted living only goes so far — for many seniors and their families, it’s important to see the benefits in person. Many families may feel torn about whether they should look at communities ahead of time or explore them together with their loved one.

Remember that even if you begin browsing communities on your own to get a sense of what your options are, you can still wait until your parent is ready before touring an assisted living community with them. Having an introductory knowledge of the communities in your area can also help when talking to your parent about why assisted living would be a good fit.

Social opportunities

Many people think of assisted living and picture a nursing home where seniors need significant help with most tasks. However, assisted living communities today are quite vibrant. You can find a wide range of on- and off-site activities. Your parent can find a community with activities that cater to their interests, whether that involves a book club, fitness classes, or learning opportunities.

“The goal of assisted living is to create a sense of community while providing the necessary assistance that an individual needs in order to best maintain their independence,” Martinez says. “Talking to your loved one about these opportunities for engagement is a great idea, and may even excite them about the opportunities available to them in a more community-focused environment.”

Many communities can provide prospective residents with a sample social calendar, making it easy to compare social amenities. You may even schedule your tour during an activity that you know would appeal to your parent, so they can get a real sense of what their life would be like there.

Safety

Sometimes an accident or recent hospitalization moves up a family’s assisted living timeline. If you have safety concerns about a parent living alone, it’s important to voice them while staying as respectful as possible.

“Be honest with your family member,” says Martinez. “[You might] say something like, ‘I understand that your independence is so valuable to you, and we’d like to see you keep that independence in a community where you can receive a little extra help.’”

Martinez stresses that multiple conversations will probably still be needed, but within a shorter timeframe.

“Although having several conversations is important, keep in mind that they don’t have to be weeks apart if there is a sense of urgency. Make a plan to talk about it again in two or three days, which will give everyone time to process the transition and gather more information,” Martinez says.

Everybody is different, and your parent may need to talk through the idea of moving to assisted living many times before they feel ready for this change.

“Remember that this may not be your decision to make and your loved one still has agency over their own life,” Martinez says.

If assisted living does seem like the best fit, you’ll need to consider your budget and which amenities are the most important to your parent. Searching for the right community can be time-consuming, but the Senior Living Advisors at A Place for Mom can offer their expertise. They’ll work with you to find a community within your location and budget, all at no cost to you.